Mood: Pensive
Music: Show Me - John Legend
Date/Time: Monday, December, 28th, 2009/10:15AM
Letters to Past Lovers, the Series
Letter to my soul mate
Monday, 28th December, 2009
Dear (name deleted),
There comes a point between resolving the past and moving towards a brighter future – where you embrace how you feel about both. That’s called the present, and in this present – I found that I almost picked up the phone to call and ask if you were in Kingston.
About Persephone
- Allison Charmaine
- Kingston, Jamaica
- If you want to know more about me, or to gain access to my private blog, e-mail me at: allisoncharmaine@gmail.com
9:28 AM
3:25 AM
Music: Love Hurts - Incubus
Mood: Content
Date/Time: Tuesday, 8th December, 2009/3:45AM
The last time I wrote in this blog was October 21st, when I had to share a profound statement that came to me as I returned from watching a friend participating in an event at Dover in St. Ann.
And now, I find myself writing again, after getting home at something after 1AM after spending quality time with the two persons that were there when I made that profound statement. In reality, it was 5 of us in total - and it made me realise that the best moments in life - the moments I will always remember are never in a crowded room - but in a room filled with love.
2:02 AM
Music: Nice To Know You - Incubus
Mood: Content and Mellow
Date/Time: Wednesday, October, 2009/2:39AM
First let me apologise, a few of you have asked me why I haven't blogged in awhile - and in all honesty - the vibe just was not there for a few reasons.
Between illness, life and dealing with a few issues - I had no inclination to blog.
I last blogged on September 7th, and it was a semi-prepared blog entry - it made no reference to the drama that had recently happened - or even how I was truly feeling about a lot of things that were happening then.
Not that I wish to go back down that road and dredge up the past - but I feel the need to clarify this.
12:29 PM
Mood: Mellow and content
Music: The Way I Am by Ingrid Michaelson
Date/Time: Wednesday, September 9th, 2009/10:23AM
Recently I was talking to a colleague turned on-line friend of mine about life, love and everything in between.
I love our discussions, because they are open, honest and free of pretence. He is 45 years old, but doesn't look or act it - and I love that about him. He's not trying to impress me, lecture me or constantly remind me that he is older or wiser. The conversations are always interesting, and I learn more about myself and him - with each discussion.
1:13 PM
Mood: Content and Grateful
Music: Magnet and Steel by Third World
Date/Time: Sunday, September 6th, 2009/1:50PM
I find the easiest way to live is to heed the advice of those who matter, ignore the words of those who don't matter, regularly indulge in at least 3 guilty pleasures, buy pretty underwear, drink alcohol in moderation, and choose wisely who you allow to see you cry.
I've had a great weekend, and on this mellow Sunday morning I find myself reflecting on a few things. I find myself wondering why do we make certain decisions, when we know a situation will only end poorly?
Do we set ourselves up for a bad ending because we know in the back of our mind's it's a poor decision? Or is the foreboding simply our subconscious trying to warn us?
2:21 PM
Mood: Mellow
Music: In Repair - John Mayer
Date/Time: Friday, September 4th, 2009/2:30PM
I have a nasty temper, and I make no apologies for it coming out when I am provoked.
But I'm in repair, I'm not together, but I'm getting there.
It's been a rough week.
I'm so emotionally drained, and so determined to focus on the positives today, that I can't write anything original, witty or sensible.
9:51 AM
Mood: Content
Music: Oil and Water - Incubus
Date/Time: Monday 24th August, 2009/9:51AM
"But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long."
- Gravity by Sara Bareilles
Yesterday morning my friend's mother asked me how my birthday was so far.
We had just ordered our meal, and were settling down at a table in the middle of the rustic building. I sat next to her, with a drink in my left hand and my right hand on her left leg and smiled.
I told her the night before wasn't so good, but the morning started off at 4:44AM.
9:17 AM
Mood: Content
Music: Stranger in Moscow - Michael Jackson
Date/Time: Tuesday, 18th August, 2009/9:17AM
I wrote this last night at 11PM - I'm sharing it with you this morning.
Enjoy.
Venus in the Night Sky
As I walked from my apartment to the garbage skip, a million things ran through my mind.
I thought about the papers I need to sign tomorrow: sign here, sign here, initial here, sign here and here.
I thought about the fact that Client M requested I find someone to varnish his grandmother's coffee table, a table his wife hates, but he refuses to part with - so their compromise was to have it buffered and varnished.
I thought about the movie I had just watched with A, feeling the dinner we ate in A's car begin to digest and start the process of being tomorrow's old news.
9:56 AM
Mood: Incredibly Content
Music: Chapter 3.3 - The Creative Process (Receive) - Rhonda Byrne
Date/Time: Monday, 17th August, 2009/10:25AM
I find that the older I get, the less inclined I feel to apologize for the person I am, the person I am becoming.
I think while my core personality is pretty static - the rest of me is dynamic. My likes and dislikes are changing, so are the things I determine to be "absolutes". The older I get, the less things fall under the category of "I'd never do that...".
The older I get, the less I care about apologizing for. I'm me, and if someone cannot accept this, why am I going to get upset? And why am I going to apologize?
9:15 AM
Mood: Happy but Pensive
Music: It's Been Awhile - Staind Date/Time: Tuesday, 4th August, 2009/9:15AM
Part of what makes life so fragile is that we can't tell what's coming next.
If there is such a thing as predetermined destiny - we don't know. Every day is new - filled with hope and expectations.
If I was meant to walk into that store, to meet that person - I wouldn't know and it all seems random and unplanned to me.
But I have to ask, is there something more to all this? Living, loving and being.
What is the end result? What is the purpose? And what is the reward?
4:30 AM
Mood: Incredibly Content
Music: Daydreamer - Adele
Time/Date: Monday, August 3rd, 2009/4:30AM
A couple of "not so happy" things have happened in the past week or so, the funny thing is I know I should be bitching, moaning, crying and miserable - but I'm not.
I've been a little pensive, yes - but still happy and holding true to my positive attitude.
The past couple of weeks have been a blur for me, it's strange and I can't begin to describe it: it's almost like time is whatever I make it. Neither fast nor slow, but time is relative to emotions, feelings, memories, wants and desires and experiences.
Many weeks I feel like I've been cramming a month's worth of activity, emotion and memories - but I will look back on a month and think: "wasn't that just last week?"
9:32 AM
Mood: Incredibly Content
Music: Love Song - 311
Date: Wednesday, July 29th, 2009/9:32 AM
Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions. - Woody Allen
The interactions of men and women have always fascinated more than I can express without you thinking I'm any stranger than you already do.
I find the things we say and do...amusing.
But not just amusing, it's the stuff of life. These are the things worth recounting, worth remembering, and in my golden years: worth reminiscing.
9:20 AM
Mood: Perturbed but Happy
Music: Oil and Water - Incubus
Date/Time: Monday, 27th July, 2009/9:40AM
Time for an update on my peeping tom situation.
After Thursday morning's incident (see previous entry titled Peeping Tom), all was well until Friday evening. I went around the back to the clothes line to get something I left on the line on Wednesday.
While returning to my apartment I saw a block under my bedroom window.
I returned to my apartment and got my phone to take photos.
5:51 AM
Mood: Perturbed but generally happy
Music: The Runner by Kings of Leon
Date/Time: Friday, 24th July, 2009/5:51AM
Those of you who follow me on Twitter and Facebook will know by now that I have a peeping tom problem.
Last week I heard a noise outside my window, when I opened the window I saw a man standing out there. I asked him why he was outside my window and he said some stupid excuse about being out there to "pick the medina".
I eventually went out there this week, thinking that perhaps a weed plant had sprung up outside my window and he had been picking it. Keep in mind that I had heard the noise before and previously thought it was either lizards running in the grass, the gardener who comes from time to time, or a neighbour just walking behind my apartment.
2:41 AM
Mood: Happy
Music: Caribbean Blue by Enya
Time/Date: Thursday, July 23rd, 2009/2:41AM
I am not perfect, I admit this freely. Ask the right person(s) and they will tell you some instant of me being a bitch to them - it's probably true - but ask me and I'll tell you why. With this caveat in mind, I ask you the following question:
Have you ever met someone with a nasty personality that is rude to most people, disregards basic social behaviour, is arrogant, a show off, a bully, and treats those who can do nothing for him in life poorly?
6:21 AM
Mood: Chasing Wanderlust
Music: Africa by Toto
Date/Time: Wednesday, 22nd July, 2009/6:21AM
...memories of you and I are like a song stuck in my head.
I dance this line, toeing between pleasure and melancholy.
I rock to the rhythm of you and I, hours lost in bed.
Lovers to the end, lost in folly.
I am in love with a man that I cannot be with, and it is torture.
For all the reasons I wish to be with him, I can find a reason to not be with him - and I am sure he can say the same about me.
5:41 AM
Mood: Incredibly Content
Music: My Skin by Natalie Merchant
Date/Time: Tuesday, 21st July, 2009/ 6:10AM
I'm currently watching a manga turned anime recommended by an old friend from high school. The anime is called "Fruits Basket" and actually not bad.
This is a story from episode 11, told by a young boy making a comparison between the persona in the story and the lead female character of the show.
I found the written text on a blog titled Phosphorescence, complete blog credit at the end of this entry.
5:36 AM
Mood: Happy
Music: American Morning on CNN Date/Time: Monday, 20th July, 2009/5:42AM
Life is a funny thing, it often takes you to unexpected places - and sometimes back to places you never thought you would revisit.
Lately, I've been making amends with things from my past. Making amends with people, and just healing. I like healing.
My birthday is in a month, and I feel like I'll be going into 24 a better person.
That is a great feeling.
I know I haven't been writing much, but I have been dealing with life.
And at the end of the day, life is more important than this blog.
Love,
Ally.
Photo Credit: Allison VS The Mango; Monday, 20th July, 2009
6:59 AM
Mood: Musing but happy
Music: Another Cloud by Della Manley
Date/Time: Friday, 10th July, 2009/6:59AM
"I cried too many tears, through the years I could have smiled
Spent too many moments wishing, when everything was fine
Now I'm forgetting time spent regretting, now the water tastes like wine
I think I feel another cloud passing by
Yes, I think I feel another cloud passing by
Every day I'm looking for that silver lining
If it's...
Gray skies and butterflies, it's another great day just to open my eyes
Gray skies and butterflies, it's another great day to open my eyes"
- Another Cloud by Della Manley
Spent too many moments wishing, when everything was fine
Now I'm forgetting time spent regretting, now the water tastes like wine
I think I feel another cloud passing by
Yes, I think I feel another cloud passing by
Every day I'm looking for that silver lining
If it's...
Gray skies and butterflies, it's another great day just to open my eyes
Gray skies and butterflies, it's another great day to open my eyes"
- Another Cloud by Della Manley
8:56 PM
Mood: Musing
Music: Runaway - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
Date/Time: Tuesday, 7th July, 2009/8:56PM
I have discovered something about myself, that if my attention isn't consistently held, maintained or stimulated - that I lose interest easily.
This applies to both people and things - tangible and intangible.
It's sad really, that my short attention span boils over from my activities/interactions into my personal life.
Sad isn't the word, no...it's worrying.
Why is it that few people or things cannot hold my interest if I am not constantly reminded of my interest in them?
It's something to consider. Something to investigate, or at least passively observe.
3:22 AM
Mood: Pensive
Music: Around you - Ingrid Michaelson
Date/Time: Friday, 3rd July, 2009/4:08AM
Hi, my name is Allison and I am a hopeless romantic.
It's true. At heart I'm a poet, and I like extending romantic gestures as much as I like receiving them.
My first love, would buy me cards and hand write little love notes to me. Presenting the card with my favourite chocolate - half of which he would eat just because he loves chocolate as much as me.
He was kind and gentle, and one of the ways he showed his love was cooking every single meal when we were together. I always loved that, except for the time he almost killed me by serving me something I was allergic to.
I was upset then, but in retrospect I have to giggle whenever I think about it.
9:21 AM
Mood: Conflicted and incredibly pensive
Music: Talihina Sky - Kings of Leon
Date/Time: Tuesday, 30th June, 2009/9:46AM
You ever write something and cannot finish it?
You have the concept, and that rough draft in your mind, but the words to flesh out the piece aren't coming?
This happens to me all the time, in fact most of my work is unfinished - sitting in forgotten folders on my jump drive...waiting for inspiration to strike and help me finish. Wishful thinking on my part.
Disclaimer: this piece has graphic images and cursing. If you know this is going to offend you, don't bother to read and then complain...you have been warned.
Love,
Ally.
Photo Credit: Allison's 20th Birthday Cake; Date of Photo Unavailable
2:45 AM
Mood: Cleaning out my emotional closet
Music: Golden Boy - Natalie Merchant
Date/Time: Sunday, 28th June, 2009/3:03AM
Men amuse me, this is fact. There is something about these little mind games that men and women play with each other - that amuses me.
I have decided that when you meet someone new - that both parties send their publicist. You send the best possible version of yourself to represent your interests and advertise your message.
Not quite deception, but almost like hubris to believe that anyone is stupid enough to believe you're that perfect.
11:39 AM
Mood: Alive and Content
Music: Come Together - The Beatles
Date/Time: Friday, 26th June, 2009/11:39AM
Disclaimer: this piece has graphic images and cursing. If you know this is going to offend you, don't bother to read and then complain...you have been warned.
I completed this piece on Tuesday, 24th March, 2009.
Prior to this, I've only shared it on facebook. I rarely share my writing outside my immediate social circle mostly because a lot of writing is based on things that have happened in my life. Not all my pieces are non-fiction but since my writing style is confessional - a lot of my pieces contain elements or experiences from my life.
Photo Credit: April's Fools: Five Years and Counting; Date of photo unavailable
Five Years
I don’t sleep well, this is a documented fact – however, I admit that the best sleep I’ve had in years – was in your arms.
It’s hard to admit this, to know that after a few hours of intensely passionate love-making; I collapsed in your arms, and woke up with a smile on my face. I hadn’t slept long, but the quality of sleep was refreshing, and for the first time in a long time – there were no bad dreams to push back as the fog of sleep left me.
I woke up, with a smile. I sighed quietly and rolled over and looked at you. I felt so incredibly safe knowing that your entire body was wrapped around mine. You woke up, did that cute thing you do with your forehead, and asked “was I snoring?”
I had to laugh on the inside, it amazes me that you have no idea how incredibly sexy you are. When you walk around my bedroom, and I check you out, I know you feel my gaze. You feel self-conscious, I know. I wish you could see what I see. I see 6 feet and 3 inches of honey caramel perfection. I see a body sculpted by years of swimming and rugby, and bronzed by countless Sundays at the beach. I see that tattoo on your chest, the design that my fingers are instinctively drawn to – my play thing as you lay on top of me, and my legs hug your lower body. I see that brooding and pensive nature you have – that comes across as quietness. I see that you observe, listen and speak only when you deem it important enough. I see that you are more intense than you let on, and what must be an incredibly deep thought process that goes on behind those eyes, those eyes that are always watching. I see that you restrain yourself, whether it is out of fear, necessity or both.
I see what you don’t see.
I don’t care if you have that little beer belly, I think it’s sweet. All I see are your well-toned legs that move smoothly into your well-toned ass, which gives way to your muscular back. That very back I grasped just hours before, and screamed the dirtiest of phrases into your ears. Yes, phrases, because I can’t construct sentences when you’re inside of me. It’s either an obscenity, or a religious epithet.
Sadly, I think you like my moments of crudity and get harder when I blaspheme.
It’s not just about the physical; I know that you and I have nothing in common, save our love of music. Different family life, different upbringings, different interests, different social circles…but I have never cared about that. In my eyes you were never a fling or a fuck, you were always, dare I say, a man to love.
I know in the past you think you weren’t worthy of me, and now in the present – you are too preoccupied to see that you can have me.
I am just a girl, standing before a boy she wants, willing him to want her in return.
I have waited years to lay with you, and every time I do, I wonder why I wasted all these years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds…
I asked you if the fantasy matched up to the reality, you admitted that the reality of me surpassed your expectations. I asked if it was worth waiting for 5 years, and you said you would have waited a decade. That endeared me to you. When I was 18, you were inaccessible and now as I turn 24 you are still not mine.
Everyone has that person in their life, that person that comes and goes throughout the years, the one that didn’t get away because they were never yours to begin with.
You are my blessing and my curse. So I will cast away my clichés and leave our next meeting to chance. I just hope next time I see you; we will both be free, single and disengaged.
And for the record, yes you were snoring, but I didn’t really care.
-END-
12:03 AM
Mood: Content but pensive
Music: 17 - Kings of Leon
Date/Time: Thursday, 25th June, 2009/12:03AM
"You are an idiot, but you are my idiot.
I love you.
Always have, always will."
I love you.
Always have, always will."
Today, I'm happy. I just want you to know that.
I know I haven't been writing much lately, I admit this - but I've been so caught up in different things - that I haven't had the inclination to write.
The funny thing is, I do want to write - if just to vent about what has been happening. I wish I was the open type of person that could lay things out there and write openly about these things.
However, the public relations person in me remembers that it's important to maintain a certain level of discretion on the internet.
And my past reminds me that people will visit your blog to garner information to use against you in the present or future.
This is fact. Sadly.
9:37 AM
Mood: Musing
Music: Wish You Were Here - Incubus
Date/Time: Tuesday, 23rd June, 2009/9:37AM
There is something to be said about the unsaid.
Sometimes, it's best not to say anything at all...to just pick up where you left off and go with the flow.
Perhaps.
Or sometimes it's better to talk about it, and ask "where did we go wrong?"
The unsaid, leaves more questions than answers, and more confusion than silence.
Love,
Ally.
Photo Credit: Leaf Caught in the (almost) Centre of the Road; An Original Artistic Effort by MorphineKisses Sunday, February 15, 2009
3:48 PM
Mood: Numb
Music: Untouched by The Veronicas
Date/Time: Monday, 22nd June, 2009/3:48PM
Last night I cried. And today...I feel numb.
That is all.
Love,
Ally.
Photo Credit: 12 Inches of Perfection; Tuesday, 17th March, 2009
2:54 AM
Mood: Pensive
Music: For Emma by Bon Iver
Date/Time: Saturday, 20th June, 2009/2:54AM
I'm exhausted but restless.
I had company on Friday night, and I laughed and talked and felt so alive for the first time this week.
It's been a deary time lately - dealing with so many things - things coming from different directions. Things I neither want to think about nor deal with. And worse, having a moment of envy when it came to someone who is (in)directly connected to one of my issues - realizing that this person is out living the life and doesn't seem to care about what happened. It was a painful moment to realize that their talk of caring and wanting to be there was just that...talk.
I'm old enough to know better, disappointed I believed them in the first place.
1:59 PM
Mood: Pensive
Music: I Believe - Spring Awakening: A New Musical
Date/Time: Friday, 19th June, 2009/1:59PM
Thank you, dear Friend
I have to thank you for being so patient with me for the past week. It is a relief to be able to pick up the phone and call you when I need to vent.
That morning we spoke, and I confided in you all those secrets, all those things that were on my mind - was a relief. I had been carrying those thoughts for so long, with no proper outlet to express them. I didn't realize how much it was weighing on me until I unloaded.
4:40 AM
Mood: Pensive
Music: Mama Who Bore Me (Reprise) - Spring Awakening: A New Musical
Date/Time: Monday, 15th June, 2009/4:40AM
I have a couple of recurring dreams, one I've had twice in the past week is the "elevator dream". The second time was last night. I hate that dream. I really do.
It always starts with me in business attire - whether casual office wear or dressed to the nines to meet the Prime Minister - entering an elevator in a building.
The building is always huge, we're talking 80 floors or more huge. Things are normal, I'm going higher than the other people with me, one by one they exit the elevator until eventually I'm alone.
2:30 AM
Mood: Pensive but content
Music: Everblue by Mandy Moore
Date/Time: Wednesday, 10th June, 2009/2:30AM
I've read my last entry "Fork in the Road" more times than I care to admit. Each time searching for a meaning behind my own words, searching for that emotion and trying to decide if what I feel for you is simply lust or something more.
What's it like for you to be in love with me? I wonder.
How do you accept me for me and never let the things I've warned you about, be a bother?
Do you truly understand my temperament? My moods? How incredibly miserable I can be? Does it cross your mind that these sweet words I write today - can turn into words that sting, tomorrow?
Doesn't it worry you to know that at any minute I could turn and walk in the other direction?
3:08 AM
Mood: Pensive
Music: Centre of the Sun - Conjure One featuring Poe
Date/Time: Monday, 8th June, 2009/3:08AM
It has been 4 weeks and one day since I started this journey, and since that time - the spirit has been weak but the flesh has not been willing.
I have never lied to you about that side of me, and for some reason you seem to like that candour about me, even if you don't always like my answer.
However, I admit that I haven't told him about you, and that yes, he's still calling me.
1:14 AM
Mood: Mellow and grateful
Music: C'era Una Volta Il West (Once Upon A Time In The West) - Ennio Morricone
Date/Time: Sunday, 7th June, 2009/1:14AM
Something near and dear to my heart is the power of positive thinking. I believe strongly in maintaining a positive attitude, visualizing my goals/dreams, making gratitude lists and blocking out negative chatter/events that are external and beyond my control.
I've been working in the Public Relations industry here in Jamaica since 2005, and a part of my job has always entailed media monitoring and keeping up with current affairs - especially those relating to the particular company I was working at the time.
2:34 AM
Mood: Content but pensive
Music: Time of the Season by The Zombies
Date/Time: Friday, 5th June, 2009/2:34AM
I'm great at putting up walls, and I find this quote to be very true:
“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” - Anonymous
But what do you do when you have met your match? Someone who is patient and willing to do what it takes to break down the walls, storm the castle, slay the monster and spend lazy summer afternoons swimming around in your moat?
10:00 AM
Greetings: whether you stumbled here while browsing the internet, found this blog through my Facebook or Twitter account...or are a past lover, past friend or mere acquaintance looking for gossip.
Welcome!
Welcome!
This is my personal blog.
The views expressed here are mine alone and do not represent any employer, client or business associate – past, present or future. Neither do my thoughts reflect the opinions of any group I have been associated with in the past, currently associated with or will be associated with in the future.
The views expressed here are mine alone and do not represent any employer, client or business associate – past, present or future. Neither do my thoughts reflect the opinions of any group I have been associated with in the past, currently associated with or will be associated with in the future.
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