Letters to Past Lovers, Part One

Mood: Pensive
Music: Show Me - John Legend
Date/Time: Monday, December, 28th, 2009/10:15AM

Letters to Past Lovers, the Series
Letter to my soul mate
Monday, 28th December, 2009

Dear (name deleted),
There comes a point between resolving the past and moving towards a brighter future – where you embrace how you feel about both. That’s called the present, and in this present – I found that I almost picked up the phone to call and ask if you were in Kingston.
In a private moment, which was far removed from you and our shared past, I found myself overcome with a flood of memories and emotions. In this flood I saw you, and me and snippets from our time together – and by time together I mean the past four years. I broke down in tears, and while the tears were brief, the feeling still lingers.

However, instead of picking up the phone, I decided to start writing. I cannot write you out of existence, neither can I rewrite our past, but I can write myself a new present which will lead to a future free of you. But first, I must be honest with myself about how I feel about you, us and all our dirty laundry. There is not enough bleach in the world that can remove the indelible stain you have left on my heart, my mind or my soul – and as much as I am indifferent towards you because of our last encounter – I wouldn’t want to remove you from my memory. You have taught me so much about myself, about love and about life. You are the only man that has truly gotten under my skin and into my soul. Yes, I loved deeply before you, but you are my soul mate. Soul mates do not always end up together, because life is not a Disney movie.

I will not sit here and play hypocrite and pretend you were the source of all our problems, because you were not. I have many flaws, and so do you – and together they were and will always be a recipe for disaster. With you, I am the most passionate I have ever been, and suspect I will ever be.

This isn’t obsession; this is that thin line between love and hate – that line that I only cross with you. No one can understand these words unless they have truly been in love.
It is a hard thing for me to admit that as much as I strongly dislike you right now because of our unresolved issues, and your penchant for telling me you love me today, and breaking my heart tomorrow – that I was so deeply affected by that wave of memories and emotion. It is an indicator that you cannot control your heart, or how it will react to anyone.

I cannot bring myself to write any more right now, I must carry on with my life, my life that does not include you.

End of Letter One.

Much love lost,
Allison.

Photo Credit: Love and a Pen; Saturday, ‎25th July, 2009