Mood: Conflicted and incredibly pensive
Music: Talihina Sky - Kings of Leon
Date/Time: Tuesday, 30th June, 2009/9:46AM
You ever write something and cannot finish it?
You have the concept, and that rough draft in your mind, but the words to flesh out the piece aren't coming?
This happens to me all the time, in fact most of my work is unfinished - sitting in forgotten folders on my jump drive...waiting for inspiration to strike and help me finish. Wishful thinking on my part.
Disclaimer: this piece has graphic images and cursing. If you know this is going to offend you, don't bother to read and then complain...you have been warned.
Love,
Ally.
Photo Credit: Allison's 20th Birthday Cake; Date of Photo Unavailable
About Persephone
- Allison Charmaine
- Kingston, Jamaica
- If you want to know more about me, or to gain access to my private blog, e-mail me at: allisoncharmaine@gmail.com
9:21 AM
2:45 AM
Mood: Cleaning out my emotional closet
Music: Golden Boy - Natalie Merchant
Date/Time: Sunday, 28th June, 2009/3:03AM
Men amuse me, this is fact. There is something about these little mind games that men and women play with each other - that amuses me.
I have decided that when you meet someone new - that both parties send their publicist. You send the best possible version of yourself to represent your interests and advertise your message.
Not quite deception, but almost like hubris to believe that anyone is stupid enough to believe you're that perfect.
11:39 AM
Mood: Alive and Content
Music: Come Together - The Beatles
Date/Time: Friday, 26th June, 2009/11:39AM
Disclaimer: this piece has graphic images and cursing. If you know this is going to offend you, don't bother to read and then complain...you have been warned.
I completed this piece on Tuesday, 24th March, 2009.
Prior to this, I've only shared it on facebook. I rarely share my writing outside my immediate social circle mostly because a lot of writing is based on things that have happened in my life. Not all my pieces are non-fiction but since my writing style is confessional - a lot of my pieces contain elements or experiences from my life.
Photo Credit: April's Fools: Five Years and Counting; Date of photo unavailable
Five Years
I don’t sleep well, this is a documented fact – however, I admit that the best sleep I’ve had in years – was in your arms.
It’s hard to admit this, to know that after a few hours of intensely passionate love-making; I collapsed in your arms, and woke up with a smile on my face. I hadn’t slept long, but the quality of sleep was refreshing, and for the first time in a long time – there were no bad dreams to push back as the fog of sleep left me.
I woke up, with a smile. I sighed quietly and rolled over and looked at you. I felt so incredibly safe knowing that your entire body was wrapped around mine. You woke up, did that cute thing you do with your forehead, and asked “was I snoring?”
I had to laugh on the inside, it amazes me that you have no idea how incredibly sexy you are. When you walk around my bedroom, and I check you out, I know you feel my gaze. You feel self-conscious, I know. I wish you could see what I see. I see 6 feet and 3 inches of honey caramel perfection. I see a body sculpted by years of swimming and rugby, and bronzed by countless Sundays at the beach. I see that tattoo on your chest, the design that my fingers are instinctively drawn to – my play thing as you lay on top of me, and my legs hug your lower body. I see that brooding and pensive nature you have – that comes across as quietness. I see that you observe, listen and speak only when you deem it important enough. I see that you are more intense than you let on, and what must be an incredibly deep thought process that goes on behind those eyes, those eyes that are always watching. I see that you restrain yourself, whether it is out of fear, necessity or both.
I see what you don’t see.
I don’t care if you have that little beer belly, I think it’s sweet. All I see are your well-toned legs that move smoothly into your well-toned ass, which gives way to your muscular back. That very back I grasped just hours before, and screamed the dirtiest of phrases into your ears. Yes, phrases, because I can’t construct sentences when you’re inside of me. It’s either an obscenity, or a religious epithet.
Sadly, I think you like my moments of crudity and get harder when I blaspheme.
It’s not just about the physical; I know that you and I have nothing in common, save our love of music. Different family life, different upbringings, different interests, different social circles…but I have never cared about that. In my eyes you were never a fling or a fuck, you were always, dare I say, a man to love.
I know in the past you think you weren’t worthy of me, and now in the present – you are too preoccupied to see that you can have me.
I am just a girl, standing before a boy she wants, willing him to want her in return.
I have waited years to lay with you, and every time I do, I wonder why I wasted all these years, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, seconds…
I asked you if the fantasy matched up to the reality, you admitted that the reality of me surpassed your expectations. I asked if it was worth waiting for 5 years, and you said you would have waited a decade. That endeared me to you. When I was 18, you were inaccessible and now as I turn 24 you are still not mine.
Everyone has that person in their life, that person that comes and goes throughout the years, the one that didn’t get away because they were never yours to begin with.
You are my blessing and my curse. So I will cast away my clichés and leave our next meeting to chance. I just hope next time I see you; we will both be free, single and disengaged.
And for the record, yes you were snoring, but I didn’t really care.
-END-
12:03 AM
Mood: Content but pensive
Music: 17 - Kings of Leon
Date/Time: Thursday, 25th June, 2009/12:03AM
"You are an idiot, but you are my idiot.
I love you.
Always have, always will."
I love you.
Always have, always will."
Today, I'm happy. I just want you to know that.
I know I haven't been writing much lately, I admit this - but I've been so caught up in different things - that I haven't had the inclination to write.
The funny thing is, I do want to write - if just to vent about what has been happening. I wish I was the open type of person that could lay things out there and write openly about these things.
However, the public relations person in me remembers that it's important to maintain a certain level of discretion on the internet.
And my past reminds me that people will visit your blog to garner information to use against you in the present or future.
This is fact. Sadly.
9:37 AM
Mood: Musing
Music: Wish You Were Here - Incubus
Date/Time: Tuesday, 23rd June, 2009/9:37AM
There is something to be said about the unsaid.
Sometimes, it's best not to say anything at all...to just pick up where you left off and go with the flow.
Perhaps.
Or sometimes it's better to talk about it, and ask "where did we go wrong?"
The unsaid, leaves more questions than answers, and more confusion than silence.
Love,
Ally.
Photo Credit: Leaf Caught in the (almost) Centre of the Road; An Original Artistic Effort by MorphineKisses Sunday, February 15, 2009
3:48 PM
Mood: Numb
Music: Untouched by The Veronicas
Date/Time: Monday, 22nd June, 2009/3:48PM
Last night I cried. And today...I feel numb.
That is all.
Love,
Ally.
Photo Credit: 12 Inches of Perfection; Tuesday, 17th March, 2009
2:54 AM
Mood: Pensive
Music: For Emma by Bon Iver
Date/Time: Saturday, 20th June, 2009/2:54AM
I'm exhausted but restless.
I had company on Friday night, and I laughed and talked and felt so alive for the first time this week.
It's been a deary time lately - dealing with so many things - things coming from different directions. Things I neither want to think about nor deal with. And worse, having a moment of envy when it came to someone who is (in)directly connected to one of my issues - realizing that this person is out living the life and doesn't seem to care about what happened. It was a painful moment to realize that their talk of caring and wanting to be there was just that...talk.
I'm old enough to know better, disappointed I believed them in the first place.
1:59 PM
Mood: Pensive
Music: I Believe - Spring Awakening: A New Musical
Date/Time: Friday, 19th June, 2009/1:59PM
Thank you, dear Friend
I have to thank you for being so patient with me for the past week. It is a relief to be able to pick up the phone and call you when I need to vent.
That morning we spoke, and I confided in you all those secrets, all those things that were on my mind - was a relief. I had been carrying those thoughts for so long, with no proper outlet to express them. I didn't realize how much it was weighing on me until I unloaded.
4:40 AM
Mood: Pensive
Music: Mama Who Bore Me (Reprise) - Spring Awakening: A New Musical
Date/Time: Monday, 15th June, 2009/4:40AM
I have a couple of recurring dreams, one I've had twice in the past week is the "elevator dream". The second time was last night. I hate that dream. I really do.
It always starts with me in business attire - whether casual office wear or dressed to the nines to meet the Prime Minister - entering an elevator in a building.
The building is always huge, we're talking 80 floors or more huge. Things are normal, I'm going higher than the other people with me, one by one they exit the elevator until eventually I'm alone.
2:30 AM
Mood: Pensive but content
Music: Everblue by Mandy Moore
Date/Time: Wednesday, 10th June, 2009/2:30AM
I've read my last entry "Fork in the Road" more times than I care to admit. Each time searching for a meaning behind my own words, searching for that emotion and trying to decide if what I feel for you is simply lust or something more.
What's it like for you to be in love with me? I wonder.
How do you accept me for me and never let the things I've warned you about, be a bother?
Do you truly understand my temperament? My moods? How incredibly miserable I can be? Does it cross your mind that these sweet words I write today - can turn into words that sting, tomorrow?
Doesn't it worry you to know that at any minute I could turn and walk in the other direction?
3:08 AM
Mood: Pensive
Music: Centre of the Sun - Conjure One featuring Poe
Date/Time: Monday, 8th June, 2009/3:08AM
It has been 4 weeks and one day since I started this journey, and since that time - the spirit has been weak but the flesh has not been willing.
I have never lied to you about that side of me, and for some reason you seem to like that candour about me, even if you don't always like my answer.
However, I admit that I haven't told him about you, and that yes, he's still calling me.
1:14 AM
Mood: Mellow and grateful
Music: C'era Una Volta Il West (Once Upon A Time In The West) - Ennio Morricone
Date/Time: Sunday, 7th June, 2009/1:14AM
Something near and dear to my heart is the power of positive thinking. I believe strongly in maintaining a positive attitude, visualizing my goals/dreams, making gratitude lists and blocking out negative chatter/events that are external and beyond my control.
I've been working in the Public Relations industry here in Jamaica since 2005, and a part of my job has always entailed media monitoring and keeping up with current affairs - especially those relating to the particular company I was working at the time.
2:34 AM
Mood: Content but pensive
Music: Time of the Season by The Zombies
Date/Time: Friday, 5th June, 2009/2:34AM
I'm great at putting up walls, and I find this quote to be very true:
“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.” - Anonymous
But what do you do when you have met your match? Someone who is patient and willing to do what it takes to break down the walls, storm the castle, slay the monster and spend lazy summer afternoons swimming around in your moat?
10:00 AM
Greetings: whether you stumbled here while browsing the internet, found this blog through my Facebook or Twitter account...or are a past lover, past friend or mere acquaintance looking for gossip.
Welcome!
Welcome!
This is my personal blog.
The views expressed here are mine alone and do not represent any employer, client or business associate – past, present or future. Neither do my thoughts reflect the opinions of any group I have been associated with in the past, currently associated with or will be associated with in the future.
The views expressed here are mine alone and do not represent any employer, client or business associate – past, present or future. Neither do my thoughts reflect the opinions of any group I have been associated with in the past, currently associated with or will be associated with in the future.
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