White Lilies

Mood: Content and Relieved
Music: I Never Told You - Colbie Caillat
Date: Thursday, April 15th, 2010

Letters to Past Lovers, the Series
Letter to my soul mate, The Final Letter
Thursday, April 15th, 2010

Dear (name deleted),
There is a thin line between love and stalking, and sometimes I wonder if either if us has crossed it. You are the only person I have ever loved, that when I think about - I know you are thinking about me. You are the only person I have loved, that when I think about, I know you will contact me.
Whenever I tell people about the connection you and I have, they look at me oddly, perhaps shake their head and give me a glazed over look that suggests they're thinking "okay dear, if you say so."

However, now neither you nor I can deny that connection is still alive. 

How else can you explain that when I started thinking about you to the point of wanting to call, and then wrote an open letter which I posted on my blog...that you started to think about me too? How else can you explain that me thinking about you last December (and on and off since then), turned into you thinking about me to the point where curiosity got the best of you...so you googled me.

When you told me that you googled me, found me on skype, found my twitter, found my blog and then not only read the two open letters I've posted to you, but most of the other material I've posted here - I will admit that I was shocked.  There is a thin line between love and stalking, and sometimes I wonder if either if us has crossed it. If we are not connected, why have you been thinking about me since January, even though our last encounter was unpleasant? Why is it that after all the fucked up things we've done to each other - that after time has passed - we can talk and laugh like nothing happened? Why is it that you can forgive my crazy, I can forgive your selfishness, and all we can focus on is the love?

I'm glad we talked, and I'm glad I was able to share thoughts on why we did the things we did. I'm glad that we had a chance to apologise to each other for what we did, and what we didn't do. And I'm glad that we had the chance to discuss those holding patterns that we find so comfortable. We have had a routine in the past, and routine is hard to break. While friendship between us might not be possible right now, I think perhaps in the future it will happen. Life is short and the moments that make life worth living are priceless - having the reassurance that the connection I feel with you is real is one of those priceless moments. Knowing that neither of us has to give in to those feelings - makes it better.

Thank you for having the strength to break the routine, and not allowing us to fall back into old patterns. Your strength, and your refusal to yield to temptation has given me faith that while the love we feel for each other clearly hasn't died, that you can love me from a distance and not interfere with my life. You were right, I am happy and I do not want you to ruin that. Neither do I want you to ruin the fact that I am moving on with another man. I care about him deeply, and unlike you - I am not a habitual cheater. If I could bottle our love, I'd sell it as a recreational drug. You are that addictive. But consider me a recovering addict and you...you withstood the test only by running away and not facing the issues.

I admit that last part, you could have handled it better, but I had to test you to make sure you were sincere...to make sure you would not be a problem. What you didn't know is that I had no intention to follow through, and to secure that intention, I made sure I was not alone. I understand why you ran, and in the clarity of the morning's light, I know it was the only way for you to not fall back into the routine. In the clarity of the morning's light, I can see that you're becoming the man I've always hoped you would be - even if you're not becoming that man with me by your side.
You are destined for many great things, do not disappoint me.
I'll see you next lifetime, and don't forget to bring the white lilies.

Love Always,
Allison.

Photo Credit: No Entry/Crossroads; Monday, April, 5th, 2010; Photo taken by Curragon Lights Photography