Mea Culpa

Mood: Self-Reflection
Music: In a Sentimental Mood - John Coltrane
Date: Thursday, July 1st, 2010

There comes a point in life when you need to evaluate your path, and decide if it's in your best interest to continue on the path, or step off it and create a new path. I personally believe that without self-reflection, you are simply existing and not living.

Dear Readers, let me apologise for not writing for the past 2 months. I offer an apology, and an explanation I hope you will understand: I simply could not write. I was (and to some extent still am) going through so much change, that I couldn't process, much less write out my thoughts in the manner we've both gotten accustomed to.
I could not be my open self with you, weaving words and phrases into that seamless conversational tone with which I write. I could not be myself, and as much as it hurt me not being able to write, it hurt me more to think about filling the space with fluff....so I chose the path of silence.

There comes a point in life when you need to evaluate your path, and I have spent some time doing serious introspective thought. I have been a recluse of late, which I often am when I'm dealing with issues I'm not ready to discuss. I shut down, that is the best way to put it. I realised last night, as I sat in my classmate's car, talking...that there was so much I wanted to say. In the darkness of her car, my face barely lit by the lights on the dashboard...I felt a few tears of frustration beginning to well in my eyes. And it hit me...I am bottling so much right now.

There are so many things I'm dealing with, and my natural reaction is to become like a crab - fortifying my fortress against any intruders, and hoarding my emotions. As I sat talking about just one thing bothering me, I realised how I long to discuss these issues with my nearest and dearest, all of whom I have unintentionally avoided the past few weeks. I say unintentional, because I rarely go out any more - between days where I have been ill, and dealing with work and evening classes - I have kept to myself. It's sad really, because one would think in times of stress, the best way to deal with stress is to go out and have fun. I wish that were the case.

I like my shell, but I like the comfort my friends provide even more. So many things where I need their objective opinions, or their positivity to remind me things will get better. Or the simple act of distracting me from what I am feeling....and not feeling.
Sad really, because despite the fact that I miss hearing about their lives, their days, or wanting to know what issues they have so I can help...I'm in my shell singing "la la la, I can't hear/see you."

There comes a point in life when you need to evaluate your path, and decide if it's in your best interest to continue on the path, or step off it and create a new path.
Here and now I'm choosing to step off my path of being selfish and self-absorbed...and to reintegrate myself back into my social circles. To remind myself that the whole point of having friends, is to be with my friends - not only because they make life more bearable, but because I see no point in living unless surrounded by my friends.

Love,
Ally.

Photo Credit: Children of the Corn: Todd and Olivia Are Watching Thee, Sinner; Thursday, July 1st, 2010; Photo taken by: Curragon Lights Photography