Letters to Past Lovers, Part Two

Mood: Calm, Mellow
Music: My Favourite Things - John Coltrane
Date: Thursday, March 18th, 2010


DISCLAIMER: This letter is a redacted version of the original. I felt the original was too graphic and detailed to post since it contained a lot of personal information that would reveal the identities of the persons mentioned. It is not my intention to reveal identities or paint a pretty picture - but to discuss how I feel about the past.


Photo Credit: 1984: War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery, Ignorance is Strength; Tuesday, March 9th, 2010; Photo taken by Curragon Lights Photography



Letters to Past Lovers, the Series
Letter to my soul mate, Part Two
Tuesday, March 16th, 2010

Dear (name deleted),
I dreamt about you on the weekend. In the dream my mother had died, and for some reason you were the first person I called. At first I hesitated, dialling the number and hanging up. The second time I dialled, it took me awhile to speak, my first words were "my mother is dead" and I think what would have been an otherwise abrasive greeting from you, softened to "I'm sorry to hear". And as usual, we fell into old patterns, because as much as I hate you now in reality and then in the dream - we fall so easily into our routine.

I have thought about it and have come to the conclusion that our time together has had four chapters so far. When we met: that was our courting phase. We laughed and talked about everything under the sun as we got to know each other. That courting phase ended when you kissed her in the parking lot, and showed up at my office. I remember that night like it was yesterday. I thought I was sick and wouldn't kiss you even though you tried. After half hour, you confessed your indiscretion. I never told you then, but I wasn't angry at you for what you did, I was disappointed that you would kiss someone, and then try and kiss me to prove a point to yourself. I knew you were broken when I found you, I knew that night you took the ring you wore from your relationship that had long ended, and threw it in the bin next to my office desk. That night we talked in my office until the sun came up, we watched the rain falling - washing the streets of New Kingston clean. That was 2 days after we met, and even then I knew I was going to fall in love with you.

Even the weekend after you kissed her, as I sat in my hairdresser's chair and said "do whatever you want" and walked out of her parlour with 12 inches of my hair missing, and a crimson red shade...I still thought of you. I remember the night you came back in my life briefly, I was at your work place with my friends, you saw me with another man and assumed the worst. You showed up at my office, I told you my high school class mate killed himself. I asked why you were there, and you walked right up to me and gave me the most passionate kiss ever. There was urgency in that kiss. It was then I knew I was going to fall hard for you.

The second chapter of what can be defined as "us", came some time in January, I remember you were like a bad case of the flu - you refused to go away. We were young, it was cute...even writing this, I have to smile. I remember the night we stood outside my office building, you pinned my hand above my head against the wall and kissed me. I remember the cat calls of the bikers across the road, the stares from the passers-by heading to the clubs. I remember you whispering in my ear to come home with you. I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad because the next week you told me you loved me, and I think the reason our bond was strong, and in some ways will always be strong is because we took the time to get to know each other.

The relationship was chapter two. The relationship was beautiful. The relationship in some ways is still a bar set in terms of what a healthy relationship should be. Despite the problems we had, we were open, valued communication and rarely let the sun set on an argument. However, our problems were varied: your indiscretions during our break - while I cannot remember their names and never knew their faces - your ex stood out the most on that list. We both know how that story went, and if any time you want to know why I snapped that night in February, 2008 - just remember all the shit you put me through before, during and after our relationship.

However, for the purposes of this blog entry I can only publicly discuss chapters one and two for the simple reason that chapters three and four affected other people against their will. I am willing to take a part of the blame for that...we were consenting adults and knew what we were doing and how it had the potential to get ugly fast.
Once bitten, twice shy - I have learned my lesson about discussing others, and revealing identifying details on a blog for public scrutiny. I have no interest in being scrutinised or putting my own spin on what really happened. I was wrong, and I did horrible and ugly things to hurt you, and an innocent person. I admit that. I accept that. I cannot change what happened, but I can accept responsibility for my actions in chapters three and four.
The original version of this letter is graphic, and I think should be locked away for now.

Chapters three and four were ruined by you being the selfish idiot you've been since I met you at age 19. You are rash and only think about yourself when it comes to emotional decisions.
I cannot understand how someone so dedicated to his family, and responsible when it comes to being an adult - can be so inconsiderate when it comes to the feelings of others who love him. If I were to ever write about us - it would be an entire novel. This letter leaves out so many of the necessary details, the things that made us...us. It doesn't explain how I know you are my soul mate - just the chapters that define our 4 years together.

And even after ending that fourth chapter, a part of me cannot help but feeling like we're not done. Time will pass. Memories will fade. You will forgive my crazy. I will forgive your selfishness. We'll forget how we felt when we stopped talking the last time, and just remember the love. Then we will fall back into that comfortable routine. Go back to the holding patterns that define our love.
As much as I hate you now for what you did, I still love you. Why else would I dream about you in such a personal context?

If my mother died tomorrow, you would be the first person I'd think of to call. However, I'd banish the thought and call someone else.

Much Love Lost,
Allison.

- END -