Mood: Content and Grateful
Music: Knots - Carol Mandala
Date: Monday, 1st March, 2010
I had planned on writing an entry some time this week on reflections coming out of this weekend, and the things I mused about after my Uncle's funeral. However, my friend just told me she wants to know what it feels like to be in love, and as we discussed love I remembered this piece I was challenged to write but swept to the wayside after my uncle died.
My friend Stuart posted a link to an article about Mr. Right on his facebook, and it turned into a healthy debate about expectations and love. One of the respondents challenged he and I to write something on finding love and the right partner, and this is my half of that challenge. Normally I leave out names of persons but this time I have left his name because he deserves credit for me writing this piece - not only because he posted the initial article, or hosted the challenge on his facebook but because I wrote this piece in an hour after a discussion with him.
So now that you have your prologue, here is the draft of what I wrote.
Enjoy. If you have any feedback, you'll have to e-mail me or write on my facebook/twitter because the comments portion of my layout coding doesn't work, and I've been too lazy to find it and fix it.
Love,
Ally.
Photo Credit: Don't Drink the Kool-aid; Saturday, February, 13th, 2010
Untitled
When I was younger, I made the mistake of getting into relationships expecting to find myself in the other person. I thought the whole point of a relationship was to find a love that would empower and uplift me, without realising that these were things I first needed to do for myself. I did not understand that before I could love someone else, and accept their love – that I first had to love myself.
Pop culture bombards us of images, and these images vary from the sultry sex goddess who is “independent” and “does it like a man” to the demure and subservient female that cooks, cleans, and tends to her man. However, I’ve always asked the question – why couldn’t I be both? Instead of aiming to be superwoman that did everything, while putting her family, lover or husband before herself, why couldn’t I be me? Why wasn’t I allowed to put myself first? Why wasn’t I expected to take care of me first, before anyone else?
Then I realised I missed one simple element of the equation: I had no idea who “ME” was. The moment I realised this, I stopped entering into relationships excepting to find myself in his brown eyes. Three years later, I’m still single, and not looking.
Three years and a string of heart breaks, a bundle of life experiences, and a handful of memories later – I have a better understanding of who Allison is. It wasn’t the easiest journey, and it took me to some dark places that I neither regret nor resent but nonetheless places I now understand I had to visit.
Stuart and I were challenged by a group of his friends to produce a piece on knowing yourself, finding the right partner and knowing when is the right time to enter into a relationship. I write in the first person, because I dare not speak for Stuart, but also because I have only ever sought to write as myself about my thoughts. I will not preach to you, neither will I lie to you. In that vein, I will tell you a simple truth: there is no right answer to this challenge we have been presented with.
You are not guaranteed a happy ending, because nothing in life is guaranteed. However, life is short, and I do know if you waste the time afforded to you on shallowness and frivolity you will be unhappy, end up with the wrong person or be alone.
There is no Mr. Right, but there is an ideal partner for everyone
I think the biggest mistake that most persons make is to allow others to make choices for them, while there is nothing wrong with listening to the tenets of your society, culture, peer group or family and friends – there comes a point when “it’s in your best interest” becomes “I’m making a decision for you based on my own biases”.
Most people are afraid to make decisions, and go blindly until they reach a point where the decision is either made for them by circumstance, or they’re forced to make a rushed and impractical choice. Others spend so long weighing options that they let opportunity pass them by. Many are afraid to live, afraid to think outside the box or afraid to be independent in thought and spirit. There comes a point when you stop listening to your friends when they say “...but he’s too nice for you” or “he’s not good looking enough” or “he doesn’t have enough money”.
I have found that people who stand on the sideline cheering and criticising never have the first clue what to do if thrown into the game. So my first step to find the ideal partner: filter out the noise. Opinions, (constructive) criticism and feedback are important; so are inside tips from others who may know him better than you. However, at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what these people say: they are not living your life and when you allow them to make the decision for you, if things fail – you are stuck cleaning up the mess.
Break it down into manageable chunks
When I’m faced with a project or task, I break it down into manageable chunks so I don’t feel overwhelmed. That doesn’t stop me from procrastinating, but it does stop me from freaking out and having a panic attack. I think the biggest problem again for most women is that they cannot filter the noise. They’re trolling social media sites looking at wedding photos of their peers, revising their life plan and setting back the “wedding date” they had previously set because their bed or wedding finger is missing an important person or ring. The first step is to let go of the stress or pressure to find this ideal partner, why does it have to be the most pressing thing?
It’s the theory of the lost item, you can search for hours for the item, turning the house upside down, and the minute you stop looking...it appears. This is my approach to relationships; I do not look for them. I take relationships seriously, and I think if I have to share my life with someone – it should be the right someone. Sex is easy, all you need is a condom but relationships take commitment, trust, work and most of all the ability to share all of yourself with another person.
Breaking it down:
Focus on yourself – your well-being, your mental health, your education, your goals, your appearance, your hobbies, your travel, and your friends...even your half-dead orchid sitting on the kitchen counter.
Learn to filter – you do not need hours of endless gossip about who is with whom, or who just got engaged or married. None of this matters at the end of the day. When you see relatives or family friends who inquire about marriage and kids there is no reason to linger on the topic uncomfortably. Tell them politely that you’re not ready for either, and end that line of conversation immediately. No one should make you feel bad because you are living your life.
Find yourself, before finding your ideal mate – a broken soul cannot be in a healthy relationship with anyone else. Take the time to figure out who you are; analyse mistakes you have made in previous relationships and learn from them. Experience is the greatest teacher, and it is also the greatest healer. Love yourself before you try to love anyone else.
Make a list of qualities – think about what you want in your ideal partner, and do not settle for less than you deserve. “Smoking hot body” is not a quality; it is a decoration that eventually fades. Qualities are intangible items that make or break any relationship. If you know what you want in an ideal partner, it will be easier to spot the person when they appear and trust me – they will appear – the trick is to know you’re looking at them because they never look like what you expect them to.
Be happy, grateful and remember to smile – people are generally more attracted to persons who are happy, this is fact. Two things are a turn off to anyone: clingy and depressing – aim to be neither. Importantly, how will you keep someone in your life, if you can’t be grateful for the little things? A gracious spirit begets more reasons to be grateful; only shallow people gravitate towards other shallow people.
Take the time to heal – never jump into a rebound relationship after a relationship has ended. It might dull the pain you’re feeling but you will only repeat the cycle with someone new. It’s okay to be alone sometimes; it’s okay to take time to heal. If you are afraid to be with yourself for a few weeks, months or years, imagine how empty you will feel after investing all of your time, effort and love into a relationship – and the person leaves you. Baggage is unhealthy, and like any sore it will fester and spread – you could meet your ideal partner and ruin the relationship because you are unhappy and bitter from your last relationship. Or you could hurt them.
Enter Stage Left
This is not meant to be a guide to finding Mr. Right; it’s just a few words from a woman that has been through some of the most unfortunate situations you can imagine. These are words from a woman that is still learning to love herself, still learning to heal, still learning what it is to be a good friend, a good lover and a good person. I have made many mistakes in my past, I have hurt my fair share of people and I have done many things that I regret. I could spend my life trying to fix these things – but there are no fixes. Instead of holding on to the pain, the hurt and the drama – I am learning to let go. Take what I write as suggestions: question them, add to them, discuss them but do not accept my words blindly as gospel.
When is the right time to enter into a relationship?
The minute you realise that right now in this moment, this is the first day of the rest of your life...then you are ready to do anything...including getting into a relationship – just be sure to assess yourself, your situation and your state of mind first. The check list above helps if you use it as a suggestion and add to it as you please.
In closing, I have some advice compiled from strong women in my own life: always wear clean underwear, always put yourself first, moisturise your skin, say “yes” as often as possible, love your friends/family and never spend longer than necessary grieving over opportunities or moments lost. Life is too short for regrets or “what-ifs”.
- END -
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