Mood: Pensive
Music: Breakeven - The Script
Date: Wednesday, 3rd February, 2010
Letters to Past Lovers, the Series
Letter to my beloved muse
Monday, 1st February, 2010
Dear (name deleted),
I've been pensive for the past few weeks, and I've spent this time analysing why I am unhappy with our current situation. We are nothing, this is fact. Limbo is a more comfortable state than the present situation I have found myself in with you. And to steal a line from one of my favourite songs by Sara Bareilles: "...you're neither friend nor foe but I can't seem to let you go..."
This state is worse than limbo, because while I am never in a rush to define things, you are someone I love but have no interest in being in a serious relationship with...that said, I know you have no interest in being with me as well. (**PLEASE SEE NOTE AT END OF ENTRY). You have hurt me in the past, and you will continue to hurt me as long as I allow you to.
I did realise why there is this emotional tension - why I try so hard to love you - when you are content to do what you want, when you want while thinking only of you. In some ways, you remind me of my relationship with my father. I don't mean this in a Electra complex way, but that tension is one I experience with my father, so eager for his affection and attention and approval. Eager. But not desperate.
To correctly quantify this, I have to explain that I have this type of relationship with both my parents, however, when it comes to them - I stopped trying to gain their approval, attention and affection well over a decade ago. In a way, I have transferred this to my relationships, and more importantly engaging in love affairs with emotionally-unavailable men.
I pick the most broken men I can find, men who I sense on some level cannot fully appreciate me, or treat me the way I expect them to - for while I know my self-worth - it's almost as if I enter in these relationships expecting to draw blood from stone. I look for things in places where they do not exist; expecting to manifest it.
I see it so clearly, now that I have identified this behavioural pattern. I fall for the wrong men - they have great qualities about them - but each has the following in common: selfish, emotionally-unavailable and never matching up to this ideal I am trying to create in my mind.
Now I know what this ideal is that I have...I won't settle for less than - and now that I know what men to avoid...well hopefully the next time around I will chose someone who can balance between the right type of positive attention and not venturing over into the realm of clingy, emotionally suffocating behaviour.
I love you dear, and you will always hold a place in my heart - but I will never ask you, nor expect you to change your ways for me. I appreciated our time together, but it's time to let you go. As hard as I try, I will never be able to fix you, and you will never fully appreciate how much I love you, or care about you. Neither will you truly appreciate that I was willing to stand by your side through anything. You are too caught up in your world, and you are too broken to see that I'm here.
And now that I've had this epiphany, and written this letter - is there even any point of letting you read it? Or will I just disappear from your life? A part of me feels that even if I tell you all this, you will still try to stick around, and be a part of my life, because in your own fucked up way you do love me.
The irony is, as much as you love me: you are too afraid to tell me or show me...and this is another reason I see no point in staying around. How can I stick around for someone that I can never be 100% sure if they love me, or are using my love for them to string me along?
I want to be with someone that loves me, and has no problem telling me as often as they can how they feel about me. I want someone who understands that life is too short to leave in the middle of a serious discussion - without saying all the things in their heart and mind. I want someone who instead of complaining about my flaws, sees the beauty in them because I am part flawed and part amazing. I want someone who understands that while I don't need to talk to them, or see them every single day: understands the importance of texting to ensure that I'm all right. Someone who doesn't disappear for a week at a time, or shuts me out when the tide turns. I want someone that addresses the emotional things I say in a timely fashion - instead of deciding they're ready to dredge up the discussion again when I've mentally moved on days or weeks after. I want someone that when he knows I'm hurting or something is wrong with me - doesn't hesitate to be by my side. I want someone with all these qualities and more, because these are just a fraction of the things I am prepared to do for someone I love.
I've loved you for so long, that a part of me isn't sure how to start the process of removing you from mind...much less my heart. However, the rest of me is already out the door.
Love Always but never said out loud again,
Allison.
**Part of letter deleted to protect his identity.
Photo Credit: Legs/Sand/Footprints; Sunday, 13th December, 2009
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